Contemplations at the entry of a new decade

I started this blog with the idea that it could be a weekly exercise in writing, expressions of my life in Lisbon. I also had the idea that sitting down to blog should be quick and not overly edited, sometimes raw and unrefined. My problem, however, is that I struggle with unrefined. I like to work and re-work and get it right before it's out in the world. So, like many things, when I think about writing the WAY I want to write, the amount of time and consistency required actually just pushes me further away from writing. And I do nothing.

I remember the same feeling so vividly when we first moved here to Lisbon. I was so entirely overwhelmed by the hills and pushing the stroller around on tiny sidewalks, of not being able to order simple things or find my way, of figuring out how to walk the dog four or five times a day with two toddlers. Everything pissed me off, everything I did put me out of my element. As a result, I couldn't execute on anything. I made long lists, kept adding to the list, mustered huge amounts of courage to make a phone call, and then, assuming I got someone who spoke English and managed to cross one item off the list, promptly added three more to it. There was so much I wanted to do to organize our lives here, but I couldn't do any of it. I was my biggest obstacle. To be fair (to myself, if nothing else), the change of context was huge--not because I haven't lived in far more challenging places, but because I was doing it with two toddlers and a husband who was suddenly gone at work every day and I was the one at home.

I think my idea of writing falls into this same category: hard to execute if I can't do it the way I want. Right now it feels difficult to carve out the time necessary to write the way I want. But I also had a realization in a yoga class just after my birthday (40th birthday deserves its own post...even if it finally comes a month later!): my 30s was a decade of striving for success. I wanted to be good at everything I did--especially in my career. I think of the "key performance indicators" and "strategic plans" that drove me through the 30s; I don't want that in my 40s. I don't feel particularly ambitious. I don't need to have that electric feeling of stress right now. I think I would like for my 40s to be a decade of searching for something else. 

The yoga studio where I practice has no mirrors. And I like that.  However, when I was in a private lesson a few weeks ago, I told my teacher that in order for me to do my downward dog in the way he was adjusting, I thought it would be helpful to see what it looked like in a mirror so that I could more easily do it that way going forward. He sat me down and explained why he absolutely will never have mirrors--and why, in fact, I don't want to see my own downward dog either. It's about searching within myself. Of feeling the position in my body, of allowing my mind to register the the way it feels in my body without the short-cut of the mirror. Of setting the muscle memory and turning inward to find it again and again. If I just turned to the mirror, I would not learn anything besides what it looks like to be in that position in exactly that moment. That visual would do nothing to help me again the next time, and then I'd still need to do the work of searching and playing and finding the alignment of my bandhas by myself. Nothing outside of me would ultimately prove helpful.

I think this is the idea I'd like to carry into my 40s. Everything I need is within me. It's all there, even if it remains latent. It's my job--and mine alone--to search, dig, play, listen, contemplate, and find my own strengths, abilities, joys.